• THE PACHYDERM COLLECTION:
• RANDOM THOUGHTS
• Blind Pilots
• 1999 DARWIN NOMINEES:
• More Darwin Awards

• I hated going to weddings ...
• Bumper Stickers
• More Random Thinking
• Absolute Necessary Bits of Wisdom

Did you know .........

• It is impossible to lick your elbow.
• A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
• A shrimp's heart is in their head.
• People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a mili-second. (Coe's Observation: I always heard that it was because there was an ancient belief that when you sneeze, your soul can escape from your body; consequently, a "bless you" keeps your soul safely stashed away.)
• It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
• A pregnant goldfish is called a twit
• Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
• In average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
• More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
• Rats and horses can't vomit.
• The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
• If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
• If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
• Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
• Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
• If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
• In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
• The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
• Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
• A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
• 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
• In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
• Most lipstick contains fish scales.
• Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
• Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
• Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
  

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want; it can't hear you.

Q: Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth, it would be an aspirin.

Q: What's gray and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What is gray and not there.
A: No elephants.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagen (VW)?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, and close the door.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you get four elephants into a Volkswagen?
A: Two in the front and two in the back.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW parked outside it.

Q: How do you get eight elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VWs in the fridge.

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, pull two VWs out, put Tarzan in, close door.

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: The lion gathered all the animals for a meeting. All of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW.

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW?
A: None. The elephants are in there!

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there're 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on coming over the hill?
A: Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Guess it must work.

• Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
• I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
• Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
• The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
• I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
• I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
• I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
• A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses.  Now I'll have to kill you too.'

The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.

But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly.

As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has less than a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!!

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"

GRAVITY KILLS... A 22-year-old man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County (Virginia) police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."  An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT...  A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered [well, wouldn't you?].  The other two passengers on the boat survived.

CATCH!...  A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal, you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a Darwin Award candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU ...  Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

GIMME A LIGHT!...  Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter.  Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

GIMME SOME AIR....  A 34 yr. old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, police said. He was approximately 6' 2" and 225 lb. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a hollow wooden section of bedpost approximately 12 inches long and 3 inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family members "very awkward".

After the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who turned out to be dead on arrival at hospital), the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electric sanders (with the sandpaper removed for obvious reasons).  According to the story, after his orgasm the .. ahem ... discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him to death.

Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN, "I'm inconsolable at the present time. I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again".  When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of "confusion."

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

• Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the December Flower.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
• A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.